The Wannabe Tarot

Neo-pagan religions can be fun, but some pagans unfortunately
go through a period of religious fanaticism. And fanaticism
often limits an important part of your spirit: your sense of
humor. It takes time to recover from fanaticism. Now there
is a Tarot deck for recovering pagan religious fanatics.

The Neophyte
A priest and priestess stand facing one another, performing
the Great Rite symbolically by plunging a dagger into a
chalice. In the circle surrounding them, a neophyte covers
her smiling mouth, trying to suppress a giggle.

Divinatory Meaning
- Innocence. A new beginning. There was a time when all of
this was good natured fun and not something you took so seriously.

Reversed Meaning
- Difficulty in expressing honest laughter. You're taking this
all too seriously. Get a life.

* The Magician
The magician stands outside his double-parked car in a jammed
parking lot. He wears full ceremonial regalia and has an
altar setup, In his hand is an open book entitled,
"Incantations to Asphaltia to find parking spaces."

Divinatory Meaning
- You need to understand your own resources better Don't use
a sledgehammer to knock on a door.

Reversed Meaning
- You have lost sight that the map is not the territory.

* The High Priestess
A Wiccan priestess stands, arms outstretched, wearing several
pounds worth of pentacles, Celtic jewelry, astrological
bracelets, and medallions. She looks ready to tip over.

Divinatory Meaning
- You may find yourself with sudden yearnings to join a Roman
Catholic
convert or seminary. Even if you're most definitely not
Catholic. Don't scoff. Stranger things have happened

Reversed Meaning
- You are ready to liberate yourself from the shackles of your
old way of life and to put on the shackles of a new way of life.

* The Nature-Lover?
In the middle of the woods stands a pagan with her face caked
in rouge and eye shadow and lipstick. She holds up a symbol of
nature - a miniature plastic tree.

Divinatory Meaning
- Examine that what you claim is your passion is something that
you're
really passionate about.

Reversed meaning
- You are secretly a technocrat.

* The Emporium
A pagan bookstore owner stands behind a counter in a bookstore
jam-packed with books, pentacles, candles, Celtic jewelry,
Tarot decks, etc. Behind him a sign reads, "Pagan Emporium
Bookstore: Offering Ancient Wisdom Since 1995."

Divinatory Meaning
- Don't just settle for "Question authority." Question those
who claim to be authority.

Reversed Meaning
- Question those authors who tell you to question authority,
but then still want you to buy their books and follow their
advice verbatim.

* Grand High Muckety-Muck
A solemn Wiccan priest stands before an altar holding an
athame. Hanging on the wall behind him is a certificate which
reads, "Certified Wiccan initiate. Certificate granted by Walte's
Wild Warehouse of Wicca."

Divinatory Meaning
- Don't get distracted by initiations, titles, special
abilities, etc. Focus instead on what capabilities you really
need to live your life.

Reversed Meaning
- You have an insatiable desire to get initiated. Consider
joining either the Fraternal Order of the Hedgehogs or else the
Order of the Co-Hedgehogs and get this whole initiation
business out of your system.

* The Lovers
A young couple are having a handfasting performed in a grove of
oak trees on a sunny summer afternoon.

Divinatory meaning
- Don't get too cynical. You may be recovering from
fanaticism, but keep in mind that good things can sometimes
still happen in the religion.

Reversed Meaning
- All you really need is love. And if you don't want to follow
that advice, well, then, hey, the song by the same name is
still cool.

* The Broom
A teenage Goth witch runs down the sidewalk attempting to ride
a battered broomstick. A cleaning lady with a dustpan in one
hand chases after her, hoping to retrieve her stolen broom.

Divinatory Meaning
- You need to develop a better relationship with what
occultists begrudgingly refer to as "the Mundane World."

Reversed Meaning
- Maybe you really are a boring person after all. Time to
clean up your act.

* The Hungry Vegetarian
There's a long buffet table at a wedding banquet. Whole roast
pig, roast duck, baked chicken, glazed turkey, and caved ham
fill the buffet table. One teeny tiny carrot resides on the
plate of the hungry vegetarian. She eyes the roast pig,
perhaps wondering if it might be made out of tofu rather than
meat.

Divinatory meaning
- Time to change your habits.

Reversed Meaning
- Go eat a hot dog on a Friday.

* The Hermit
The Hermit wears a dark gray robe and has a dark gray beard.
He holds a gnarled staff in one hand and a blazing lantern in
the other hand. He is doing this however in a crowded movie
theater, and the theater patrons scowl at him.

Divinatory Meaning
- Don't just trust yourself. Learn what part of yourself to trust.

Reversed Meaning
- It is better to have something you believe in rather than to
just knock down what you don't believe in.

* The Wheel Of Fortune
A pagan dressed in purple and yellow robes holds a stick of
incense in one hand and a compass in the other hand. He glares
at the compass. The needle point is spinning wildly, so that
he can't tell which direction is east for quarter-calling.

Divinatory Meaning
- Don't just find a new direction - create a new direction.

Reversed Meaning
- When you think your life is moving somewhere, maybe you're
just going in circles.

* The Skeptic
A blindfolded man stands facing a full-length mirror.

Divinatory Meaning
- You may say that there is nothing of value in divinatory
tools. But divinatory tools are nothing more than a means of
looking at yourself. So perhaps you are saying that there is
nothing of value in yourself. A man who swallows a placebo
cannot deny his own mouth.

Reversed Meaning
- You will see through the illusions created by others. Be on
guard against becoming snotty. Be careful that you do not
forget that even illusions have their value. A man who
imagines roses in the clouds can be inspired to become a
gardener.

* The Contortionist
You see a contortionist, his body twisted in what appears to be
an impossible position. In fact, his head appear to be stuck
up his own rectum.

Divinatory Meaning
- You need to get your head out of your arse.

Reversed Meaning
- Even though you think that this doesn't apply to you, you
really need to get your head out of your arse.

* Renewal
An occultist's apartment is in flames. His shelves are jammed
with ceremonial daggers, magical talismans, occult
journals/books, and esoteric tools. Out of all of this wealth
of stuff, what will he try to rescue from the flames?
Actually, he is reaching for his cat.

Divinatory Meaning
- You are about to encounter a situation in your life where you
will make decisions that will show you the limits of occultism.
Occultism is meant to serve life, not the other way around.

Reversed Meaning
- Be nice to your cat.

* Temperance
In a candle lit room, a Hermeticist holds a rosy cross in his
left hand and a pentacle in the right hand. To his left side
is a host of symbols of crosses and grails. To his right side
is a host of daggers and pentacles. Behind him, a window with
the shades drawn is open a crack to reveal a hint of sunlight
and the wide open outdoors.

Divinatory Meaning
- You need to open yourself up to more than what you currently
allow yourself to experience.

Reversed Meaning
- You are a freak. Perhaps you should spend more time secluded
from others so that others do not discover this.

* The Adversary
The scene is two booths set up at a psychic fair - each booth
manned by a practitioner. The first booth has a big sign over
it, "Pagan Shamanistic Journeying Counseling." The
practitioner of this booth glares at the practitioner of the
second booth. The sign over the second booth reads, "New Age
Shamanistic Journeying Counseling."

Divinatory Meaning
- There are things that you dislike that are more similar to
you than you care to admit.

Reversed Meaning
- Stock market analysts and weather forecasters often give
pretty lousy predictions. Don't expect a fortune-teller to
give perfect predictions, but don't look too harshly upon them
either. They are trying to get you to understand yourself --
and while they may be dead-wrong on some of what they say, the
need to understand yourself is real.

* The Tower of Books
An armchair magician has a den jammed full of occult books. In
one armchair is a huge stack of books almost up to the ceiling.
He stands on a stool trying to add yet another book to the top
of the stack, ignorant of the fact that the tower is about
ready to topple over on him.

Divinatory Meaning
- You need to learn to put your ideas into action.

Reversed Meaning
- Clean your room.

* The Celebrity
In an occult bookstore, a pagan celebrity sits at a book
signing table, signing copies of her book, Witchcrap for
Morons." A few feet away from the table, a group of
neo-pagans are scowling and turning their nose up at the
author.

Divinatory Meaning
- It is far easier for you to condemn what others create than
it is for you to create something that you find to be of value.
But you really need to learn to trust your own creative
projects more.

Reversed Meaning
- Quit spending so much time in occult bookstores.

* The Moon
A pagan painter stands by a moonlit window as he paints a
picture of the crescent moon. The depiction of the moon is
very well-crafted, but then the painter is going back in and
adding some crudely designed pentacles on the moon, lest you
forget that this is supposed to be pagan art. Behind him, his
two dogs bark fiercely.

Divinatory Meaning
- If you can let go of your pretentiousness, your talents can
blossom.

Reversed Meaning
- Don't forget to feed your dogs.

* The Golden Apple
Three pagan women stand wrestling over who gets the Golden
Apple. Behind them, unnoticed, stands a giggling Eris, who
holds an entire basket of Golden Apples.

Divinatory Meaning
- Keep your perspective on what's really important.

Reversed Meaning
- In order to allow a god or goddess room into your heart, you
must not be too full of yourself.

* Judgment by Conspiracy Theorists
A fundamentalist minister rallies against a pagan group. The
minister conjures up images of animal sacrifice and human
sacrifice. Meanwhile, the pagan group in question is sitting
around in a committee meeting eating vegan chili and tofu.

Divinatory Meaning
- You need to get on with your life and worry less about what
other people think.

Reversed Meaning
- You need to get on with your life and worry less about what
other people think. On the other hand, this doesn't give you
license to be an arsehole.

* The World in a Pack of Cards
A grungy prisoner in solitary confinement sits in a barren
cell. No bed, no food, no sunlight, just a pack of Tarot cards
in front of him. A 19th century occultist once said that a
prisoner alone in a prison cell with nothing but a pack of
Tarot cards would acquire all world knowledge. But, well,
this prisoner could probably better use some food and some
sunlight and a shower.

Divinatory Meaning
- Get a hobby.

Reversed Meaning
- No, really, get a hobby.

- author unknown. If you know who wrote this, please email Apythia

Glossary
For further reading
Get a Rune or Tarot reading, dream interpretation or astrological report