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The Ritual of the Blessed Motherboard Thus it follows that after many days of chaos, unfounded mayhem and startling inconvenience -- as given in favor by the Goddess Eris -- so it shall be that I am finally able to share with you the official ceremony of the Blessed Motherboard and the Horned One that Plugs in the Wall. This ceremony is one to be practiced by Discordian compu-pagans each Midsummer Eve in holy celebration and appreciation of debugged upgrades, new shareware, faster circuitry and all the blessings that flow from the Goddess... Note: Let it be said that if your system crashes, your motherboard becomes twitchy, your hard drives fail, or your cables spout forth fire - that this is an indication that the Goddess is displeased with your compu-worship. At this time, if the posting of many tales of compu-sexuality doth fail to pacify Her. This is the time that this ritual must be done to regain Her pleasure. It is thus that this ritual be made easier if thou coven of compu-pagans is large, for then the obtainment of the necessary materials be far easier... Necessary ritual components: To represent the Crone: A phone bill from Ma Bell. The higher the debt, the better one can justify one's needs to the Goddess. To represent the Maiden: A large fire pits dug in the shape of a circle around which the pentagram will be formed. (Dry wood laid in preparation) To represent the God: A very Large, very Thick power supply cable For the Pentagram: A can of neon or glow in the dark paint For the Quarters: The following items are placed at each quarter: North: A Power supply
with cable, the energy which inspires us The Altar: A makeshift desk The Incense: A chipped ashtray and a pack of Camels (extra humps) The Cup: A container of highly caffienated substance, e.g, Jolt. (Use Coca-Cola or Pepsi in a pinch.) The Bowl: A bowl of fine earth to represent the accumulation of dust in your house which you haven't cleaned since you spend all your time at the keyboard. The Flame: One jar of kerosene, gasoline, or other flammable substance with matches that one uses to light the fire. In addition: Each member of the network coven should bring spare parts, broken cables, split chips, bungled software, etc... for fire offerings at the conclusion of the ceremony. Clothing during this ceremony is optional.
Opening Chant Circuits keep blowing
on my board Cables are ruined by
crossing wires The Crone works her spells
through Mother Bell I worship through the
message base Its My Lust...... Sacrifice
it or BUST The ritual begins... To the North end of the
altar the ashtray and cigarettes As the HP calls the elements the P shall pass her the items in question The coven at the end of each elemental calling shall chant the following: Elemental Power The HP calls to the Element of Fire <and taking the kerosene from the P> intones: Fire, Fire burning bright, The HP pours the kerosene liberally upon the firewood in the pit and lights the fire with the matches. The coven sings the elemental chant. The P hands the HP the bowl of earth. The HP tosses the earth upwards to scatter it around the circle and over the altar as she intones: Elemental Earth I beckon
thee, with us in this circle be The coven sings the elemental chant. The P hands the HP the cup of caffienated substance. The HP lifts it to her lips and intones: Water quench our thirst,
keep us wet and wild The HP drinks from the cup and beckons the P to drink of it, he does. The coven sings the elemental chant. The P hands the HP the ashtray and a cigarette and lights it for her, the HP takes a long drag and as she exhales intones: Airy, Airy, quiet and
contrary how doth your winds blow? The HP smokes and exhales as the coven sings the elemental chant. The HP and P prepare to summon the directions in supplication to be followed by the closing of the circle. The following is a chant used by the coven at each directional opening. From the North awakening,
the energy inspires The HP and P walk to the North and hold up the Power supply. The P intones: The Power of the north inspires us and lends us its energy for our use in supplication. This Power Supply I offer to thee Oh Goddess that your Power run through my computer and my life. The P tosses the Power supply into the fire. The coven sings the directional chant. The HP and P walk to the East and hold up the keyboard. The P in-tones: The Power of the East transforms our innocence through tasting the fire of Life. This Keyboard, I offer to thee Oh Goddess that your knowledge guide my fingers on their path through the system of Life. The P tosses the keyboard into the fire. The coven sings the directional chant. The HP and P walk to the South and hold up the hard drive. The P intones: The Power of the South is that of action and consequence, of commitment to the path and the ability to remember the lessons learned thereof. This Hard Drive I offer to thee Oh Goddess that your memory of my acts and deeds be remembered with praise and favor in thine eyes. The P tosses the Hard Drive into the fire. The coven sings the directional chant. The HP and the P walk to the West and hold up the monitor. The P intones: The Power of the West is that of access to all things, to seeing turthfully into the path of a life and judging it thusly, worthy or unworthy. This monitor I offer to thee Oh Goddess that your eternal eyes may see into my life and may watch over my actions, and that I may find favor in you as my eternal Sysop. The P tosses the monitor into the fire. The coven sings the directional chant. The HP and P walk thrice around the circle widdershins and all chant thusly: Ring around the altar (repeated until the circle is thrice closed) The Circle Closed and the directions and elements present, the HP and P prepare to call to the Goddess and to the Horned One. The HP stands before the fire pit and calls: Virgin Goddess, gentle
maid The P leads the coven in the Maiden chant: Come on Maiden light
your fire The HP stands before the fire pit and holding the phone bill calls: Oh Mother Bell, Oh Crone
of Disconnection from this pagan life The HP tosses the phone bill into the fire. The P leads the coven in the Crone Song: We're sorry, the number
you have reached has been temporarily disconnected The HP stands before the Altar and holds high the very long and very thick cable of the Horned One that Plugs into the Wall and calls: Oh Horned One, Powerful
Consort of the Blessed Motherboard The HP tosses the very long, very thick cable into the fire The P leads the coven in the Horned One chant: Pump, Pump, Pump it up...
Keep the power flowing The HP raises the Blessed Motherboard with Large Co-processors high in the air and the P and HP each take and end in their hands. Raising the Motherboard high in the air they intone: Blessed Mother, Sacred
Goddess come to bless your users The HP and P lead all in the following chant: A Prayer to the Goddess
for self consecration The Blessed Goddess is
my mistress; Thus said, the HP and P intone the following: Oh Blessed Motherboard, please accept this offering in your name, and in the name of the Horned One who plugs in the Wall and gives you pleasure... that we may be blessed in our offerings to you both in circle and in life. Thus said, the HP and P toss the Motherboard into the fire. The HP and P lead the coven in the following chant: Blessed be the Motherboard
from whom all messages flow At this point the HP and P gaze into the fire for the portent of the Goddess's sign of approval (the flames of blue light from the mother-board offering) At seeing this both HP and P raise their arms in joyful supplication and shout (To be echoed by the Coven members in attendance after each line) The Maiden's found appeasement
and She is satisfied The HP and P release the circle and the partying shall now commence. Sensual foods and drinks are served and shared. The rest you can imagine. -- by The Tigress
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