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Lady Martha
of the Stewart Clan's By Red Selchie April 1: Finalize guest list for Beltane shindig. Decide that Al Gore will be the May King this year, seeing as Bill was it last year. Cross off Monica as possible May Queen, considering the fiasco from last year. Perhaps Janet Reno would consent to being May Queen this year? Have my people contact her people. April 2: Check jousting fields out back and mow. Meet with vet at noon for inspection of destriers. April 3: Confirm the Skyclad Strolling Minstrels for the party. Make paper Beltane out of papyrus growing in water garden. April 4: Coven meeting. Channel Sybil Leek. April 5-10: Fly to Ireland to collect the nine sacred woods necessary for the Beltane fire. Meet with the Sidhe to arrange for special guest appearances by the Dagda and Aengus. Have dinner with Bono and wife. April 11: Special guest appearance at the Temple of Pleasant Fabrics to discuss new ways to worship satin. April 12: Meet with florist to order special flowers from Hawaii to float in pool. Inspect back yard for poison ivy, spray with organic herbicide. April 13: Craft horned crown out of Sculpey for the May King. Craft flower headdress for May Queen out of silk flowers specially ordered from the Temple of Pleasant Fabrics. April 14: Send out invites for party, confirm Al as May King. Janet backed out, have my people call Rosie's people. April 15: Beat tax accountant with flogger for not getting me a large enough tax refund. April 16: Special guest appearance on Rosie. Confirm Rosie as May Queen. April 17: Spray poison ivy with organic herbicide again. Mow jousting field again. Informal party with the jousters in the hayloft of the barn. April 18: Pull rest of hay out of hair. Meet with house staff to review party menu. Check the mead in the basement. Coven meeting, Movie Night! Bring popcorn-on-ears grown in garden last year for snack. April 19-21: Quicky visit to the Caribbean for deep-sea fishing with "The Boys". April 22: Begin receiving RSVP's for party. Mow jousting field again. Use non-organic herbicide on poison ivy. April 23: Inspect 18-foot imported farm-grown teak Maypole. Sand smooth, polish to a sheen with Lady Martha of the Stewart Clan's Personal Lubricant. Flog staff member for video-taping the polishing. April 24: Erect Maypole in backyard. Plant petunias from Big K around the base. Make silk ribbons for Maypole. April 25: Wymin meeting! Get in touch with my masculine side. April 26: Begin construction of Robe of Flowers to resemble Bloudewedd for Beltane. Bake 25 dozen Devil's Food cakes and freeze. Sugar 3 pounds of violets to garnish; refrigerate. April 27: Mow jousting field. Spray poison ivy with commercial-strength herbicide. April 28: Begin chilling mead on ice block imported from Greenland. Fold 200 napkins to resemble male and female genitalia. April 29: Pick up the Dagda and Aengus in backyard circle-of-stone portal. Situate them comfortably in the hill out back. April 30: Small ritual to celebrate end of winter with the coven, the Dagda, and Aengus. Do the wild thing with the Dagda and Aengus in the bushes. May 1: Buy mass quantities of Homeopathic Calamine lotion at Big K and apply to rash. Hire new subcontractor to pull up poison ivy still hiding in the bushes. Carve 60 pounds of fresh fruit to resemble flowers. May 2: Party! Finish Flower Robe by hot-gluing flower petals to silk robe. Bathe in homeopathic calamine. Flog staff members just for the hell of it. Take homeopathic Benadryl for itch. Arrange flowers on top of maypole. Make 20 gallons of fresh-squeezed lemonade. Have staff strategically place Pagan condoms throughout the house and yard. Ride in on white mare. Greet guests. Forget Benadryl and drink copious amounts of mead. Barf in bushes. Dance nekkid around the Maypole. Crown Al and Rosie. Jump the fire. Test Al's fitness to be new King of the Land. May 3: Send Al home; thank the gods I'm not Tipper. Bathe in homeopathic calamine again. Start making plans for Lughnasadh. - Written by Red Selchie
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