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How To Become A Witch In Nine Easy Lessons In the 1980's it was fashionable to be interested in the New Age. This is now a dreadful faux pas within the alternative scene, and in order to be accepted in the 1990's metaphysical social set, one must have an interest in Witchcraft or Paganism. Of course, you don't have to actually belong to a coven in order to be thought of as a Witch; you can bluff your way into being accepted as a fully fledged Witch by knowing a few terms and dressing accordingly. This brings us to... Rule #1: Image Is Everything. After all, what's the good of being a Witch if nobody knows you are one? You must therefore wear black at all times. If possible, stay out of the sun until you become really pale, as this makes the effect even better. For women (and adventurous males), dark eyeliner and black nail polish can enhance this look. Also wear crystals and cheap occult paraphernalia at all times, and make sure that these are as gaudy and bizarre as possible, as this can only help your image. Wearing a pentacle around your neck is an absolutely necessary accessory--the bigger the better! Capes and cloaks are optional around town--it depends on how much of a visual impact you want to make--but either of these are also crucial apparel at any ritual or gathering that you may attend. Rule #2: Name Dropping Is Good. Every serious student of The Craft (and I'm talking about the term for Witchcraft, not macrame) knows the name Gerald Gardner. This man revitalized Witchcraft in the mid 1900's with his book about the true history of The Old Religion (some have called this book pure fiction, but only those picky few who like books to be based on facts). Real Witches, however, never let historical accuracy get in the way of their spiritual path, so in conversations with other Witches, quote his name as often as possible (in tones of awe) and you will always be rewarded with smiles of acceptance. Rule #3: Past Life Name Droppinng Is Even Better. Tell everyone about the past life memories that have been surfacing since you began studying the Black Arts. It is especially useful to remember a past lifetime as a Witch who was killed during the Inquisition, or at least recall a lifetime as a famous occultist. My past lives have included Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro, Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of Bewitched. Rule #4: Behave Strangely. Never forget why it was that you wanted to become a Witch--yes, so that you have an excuse for strange behavior. Previously labelled eccentric behavior patterns can now be accepted by others if they have a reason to explain it, even if the reason for howling at full moons while naked is simply, "S/he is a Witch, that's normal for them, evidently." So don't let your friends down, behave strangely--you can get away with it! Rule #5: Watch Occult Movies. Make sure that you watch the movie Warlock (and its sequels) lots of times to perfect those soft landings after over-indulging with the flying ointment (read as "mead and weed"). Rule #6: Ready Yourself For Money and Power. Wasn't this the other reason you were drawn to Witchcraft? In the past, adepts of the occult were known to possess charismatic, lusty, and powerful personas--when people find out that you are a Witch, they may automatically assume that you have (and therefore empower you with) these same qualities. This may sound pretty good, but unfortunately in today's world, another group of people have become even more established within the realms of kinky sex sessions and unlimited power--yes, the politicians! Beware of this elitist group of power-brokers; they don't want any competition to their manipulative monopoly over the gullible public--hence the laws against Witchcraft and divination that have remained unchanged for centuries. So if calling yourself a High Priest doesn't lead you to unlimited sex, money, and power--or if it does, but you then find yourself the target of political and legal harrassment--you may have to put aside your cloak and broomstick, and pick up a pin-stripe suit and a bunch of campaign organizers. If you can't beat them, try bribery--and if that doesn't work, join them! Rule #7: Atmosphere Is Essential. Your home must reflect your Witchy nature. Incense must burn continuously. It's important that visitors see clouds of incense smoke billowing from a spluttering censer in the corner of your dim, dank, and dusty home; so dismantle the smoke detectors and start collecting strange little bottles of exotic looking ingredients (use your imagination and label them with names like "powdered bat's eyes" or "dried dragon's gonads"). And if you don't like housework, you can explain that the layer of dust that covers everything helps to neutralize the highly charged psychic energy that results from your magical spells, thereby protecting your home and possessions from electromagnetic disintegration. Rule #8: Be Patronizing To Christians. In social discussions, don't forget to make plenty of derogatory remarks about fundamentalist Christians, but remember to save your most biting comments for other Witches that you don't get along with. Rule #9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers. Any self-respecting Witch will tell you that after their initiation into Witchcraft, their psychic powers awakened and thier tarot cards (which they always carry with them) are now much easier to read (they now get something right, once in a while). They will also tell you that they can now sense energy fields (in other words, they don't bump into things as often as they used to). Follow this example and brag about the rapid development of your psychic abilities since your initiation. If asked about your initiation ceremony, simply state that you were sworn to secrecy about it, then quickly change the subject by mentioning your newly-awakened ability to detect ley-lines (but try to remember that a ley-line is not people waiting for the after-ritual orgy!). Now you know how to pass
yourself off as a real Witch, so place that broomstick in a conspicuous
corner (one that is not clouded by too much incense smoke), pull
on those black clothes, give everyone you meet a sinister look--and
your social status will improve overnight. If you do all of this
successfully, you may even find yourself with enough adoring acolytes
that you can start your own coven! Good luck and Blessed Be! - by Don
McLeod
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